When My Ego Comes Out to Play

Last night I got some of the best sleep I’ve had in a long while. If I knew why, believe me, I’d can it and bring it out every night! Not only did I sleep uninterrupted for almost 8 hours (as compared to my more typical 4 hours at a time), I dreamed. That deep, luscious place we go in REM sleep. Seems it’s been ages since I visited that place.

These dreams were vivid, colorful, realistic, and wove in both people I care about and settings that have been big parts of my ‘real’ life. Unfortunately, these dreams were not the most pleasant of movies to watch. In fact, they were downright awful.

When I awoke this morning, I replayed each dream with every detail I could remember to my husband. Within moments after telling him, it occurred to me that my ego had come out to play last night. If words could be put to what I felt and how I acted in each of my three dreams they might have been: ‘I can do what you can’t do’. In fact, my sense was that I set myself apart from others in ways that announced “I am better than you are”.

What followed in each dream were scenes chock full of personally injurious events, both physical and psychological. Boldly, here, I will assert that these events were consequences of my arrogant, ego-saturated behavior and thoughts in each dream. To reassure you, no one died. They weren’t THAT bad. Nevertheless, they were humiliating and, in one case, downright scary because my health was in danger, the result of my hubris.

If there were a lesson to be learned from last night’s adventures, what would it be? So far, I’ve found two. One is that having pride in one’s accomplishments and having courage to expand boundaries are not bad things. Flaunting them, however, is not a good thing. Do you ever notice that you say or do things from the place of wanting to impress others ~ with your intellect, knowledge, physical competencies, social network, traumatic experiences, you name it? For me it is often palpable; I can feel it in my chest when I speak or act from that place. My dreams revealed that when I go to that place, I can set off a cascade of events and feelings that can injure, even if that impact is unintended. My dreams told me to watch for these moments and to check in with myself to verify that what I’m about to do is really necessary. And on whose behalf my actions are for. There will be a consequence, even if I don’t mean for there to be.

Another thing I must woefully admit this morning is that I do not have a switch to turn off my ego’s antics. It takes a persistent commitment to be a sentinel. Oh were it so easy to simply turn my need to impress others OFF. How exhausting it is to accommodate my ego’s desire to stretch its muscles. And how exhausting to be on the look out for its play dates. But no one said being conscientious, caring, good neighbors and citizens necessarily comes naturally or easily.

Last night I watched some subconscious movies that didn’t have the best of endings for me. Today, I am full of gratitude for them and carry their lessons along my way. I hope I remember them but I trust that should I forget, my dreams will be there to remind me.